Board of Elders
Re: Pastoral Candidates
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told us that he & his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest & meek man, but poor communicator, even stutting at times. Sometimes blows his stack & acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the scandalous affair that he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Deborah: Strong leader & seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward & unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people -- might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he's a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet & provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue-color. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader & fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh & has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers & seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old ... WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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